Navigating relationship crossroads: A deep dive into discernment counseling

By Pamela Peters

Introduction

At times, couples may find themselves standing at a crossroads, uncertain of whether to continue their journey together or part ways. In these moments of ambiguity, discernment counseling emerges as a different kind of support, offering couples a unique space for reflection to gain clarity. In this blog post, I will explore the intricacies of discernment counseling, discussing its purpose, process, and the transformative potential it holds for couples on the brink of separation.

Defining discernment counseling

Discernment counseling is a specialized form of couples therapy designed for those teetering on the edge of divorce or separation. Unlike traditional couple therapy, discernment counseling has a distinct focus—you as individuals gain clarity about the future of your relationship. Dr. William J. Doherty, a pioneer in the field, developed this approach to address the specific needs of couples with one or both people’s “one foot out the door.” Sometimes discernment counseling is referred to as “should I stay or should I go,” therapy.

My role as a discernment counselor

As a discernment therapist, I guide my clients through the terrain of relationship uncertainty. Rather than delving into deep-rooted issues or attempting to reconcile differences immediately, I facilitate a structured exploration process. My primary goal is to assist you both in understanding your own desires, motivations, and fears. Our one therapy goal is to come to clarity about whether you should remain in the relationship or go your separate ways.

I foster a safe and supportive environment for open communication, ensuring that you both feel heard and validated. Through a combination of individual sessions and couple meetings, I help navigate the complexities of the relationship, helping you gain insights into your own needs and the dynamics at play. I also hold space for the potentially painful emotions that a possible break-up can bring up.

Three paths in discernment counseling

One of the unique features of discernment counseling is its acknowledgment of three potential paths that couples may take after the process:

1.     Move forward with separation or divorce: For some couples, the realization that the relationship has run its course becomes evident. Discernment counseling offers a supportive space for acknowledging this reality and planning for an amicable separation. This can include working on co-parenting skills when appropriate.

2.     Status quo or continue in the relationship as before discernment counseling: Some couples may find that they are not ready to make a definitive choice at the end of discernment counseling. They continue as before with the idea that they can return to couple therapy to work on the relationship in the future or separate at any time. We may also work on some logistical or communication skills to improve the current relationship situation.

3.     Commit to reconciliation: In other cases, couples may discover a renewed sense of commitment and willingness to work on their relationship. Discernment counseling provides the necessary groundwork for embarking on the challenging yet rewarding journey of reconciliation. If couples choose Path 3, I usually ask them to take all conversations (and threats) of separating off the table for six months. During that six months, we dig in and do deep therapeutic work to heal their relationship.

Process of discernment counseling

Discernment counseling typically unfolds in a series of structured sessions. The process involves both individual sessions with each of you and joint sessions with both of you together. Individual sessions allow for private exploration of thoughts and feelings, while joint sessions facilitate open communication and understanding.

1.     Individual sessions: Each partner has the opportunity to express their concerns, desires, and fears in a confidential setting. I also focus on discovering what each individual is willing to change if the couple decides to work to reconcile. This is the crux of the individual work. We work to focus, not on the other partner—and what you wish they would change—but on what you see as your part in the couple issues.

2.     Couple sessions: I guide the couple through joint sessions, fostering communication and helping them navigate challenging topics. The focus is on understanding the dynamics of the relationship rather than immediately resolving conflicts. I ask that each individual take accountability for what they understand as their own part in the problem. What can each individual do to change the couple dynamic?

3.     Reflection and decision-making: Toward the end of the process, couples are encouraged to reflect on the insights gained. I assist them in making a decision based on newfound clarity, whether it involves moving toward separation, reconciliation, or ongoing work on the relationship.

I tell couples up front that we will only do at most five discernment counseling sessions. At the end of each session, we determine whether we want to schedule another one to continue the exploration. If after five sessions we do not have a decision, we pause discernment counseling. Five sessions gives us enough time and data to determine that the couple is choosing Path 2 for the time being.

Benefits of discernment counseling

1.     Clarity: The primary goal is to provide you, as a couple, with the clarity and confidence needed to make informed decisions about the future of your relationship.

2.     Reduced emotional turmoil: By focusing on understanding your own needs and what you are willing to change, rather than immediate resolution, discernment counseling can mitigate the emotional turmoil often associated with relationship uncertainty.

3.     Individual growth and self-awareness: The process encourages individual self-reflection, fostering personal growth and self-awareness for each of you. This is beneficial no matter what path you both eventually take.

Challenges and limitations:

While discernment counseling can be transformative, it is essential to acknowledge that it may not be suitable for every couple. Some challenges and limitations include:

1.     Emotional intensity: The process can be emotionally intense, as it involves confronting difficult truths and facing the uncertainty of the relationship's future.

2.     Not a quick fix: Discernment counseling does not provide immediate solutions to deep-rooted issues. It is a process that requires time and commitment.

3.     Not applicable to all cases: Some relationships may be beyond the scope of discernment counseling, particularly if there is a history of abuse or irreparable damage.

Choosing a discernment counselor

Selecting the right discernment counselor is crucial for the success of the process. Tips for finding a qualified counselor include:

1.     Credentials and experience: Look for a therapist with specific training and experience in discernment counseling.

2.     Compatibility: Ensure that there is a good fit between the counselor's approach and the needs of you, the couple. This can be done with a live (phone or video) consultation, which most therapists offer to determine a good fit.

3.     Transparent communication: A skilled discernment counselor will communicate openly about the process, potential outcomes, and the commitment required.

Conclusion

In the complex landscape of relationships, discernment counseling stands out as a valuable tool for couples facing uncertainty. By providing a structured and supportive space for exploration, this specialized form of therapy empowers individuals to gain clarity and make informed decisions about their future. Whether the outcome is reconciliation, separation, or continued work on the relationship, discernment counseling offers a path toward understanding and resolution in the face of relationship crossroads.

I offer discernment counseling in Denver Colorado. Learn more about how I may be able to support your process. Contact Pamela Peters for a consultation.